Don't try this at home or abroad

Disclaimer: THIS IS DELIBERATELY BAD ADVICE! It's also probably impossible to follow -- I certainly haven't tried.

So don't try to take me to court because your mucus membranes were damaged by leftover coffee.

What am I talking about? Read on:

Summer’s here, which means:

• Sultry breezes are beckoning from the great outdoors
• School’s out
• Coworkers disappear, leaving mounds of undone work
• And the uppermost concern on your mind is: TANNING!

Not the real kind, of course. You know better than to lie out in the sun, exposing your body to hazardous (and worse, wrinkle-causing) UV rays. But you want to look as if you had done it. So you reach for the self-tanner.

No matter what kind of self-tanning product you use – cheap or expensive, lotion, spray, towelettes, dollar store makeup in a dark shade, or leftover coffee – if you don’t apply it correctly, you may as well stay inside all summer.

Getting the perfect self-tan means:

• No streaks. Apply your product, inspect the results, and if the color isn’t perfectly even (and it won’t be), apply more. Continue till perfect. You’ll probably need to set aside at least a week of your vacation for this.
• Not missing any spots. Remember to get the inner rims of your nostrils (your mucus membranes will adjust), the part in your hair, and your eyelids. You blink up to 20,000 times a day – that’s 20,000 chances to show the world you’re too clueless to put on self-tanner the right way.
• Changing your hair color, if necessary, to complement your tan. If your hair’s blonde or red, leaving it that way will make your fake tan look like an obvious fake tan. Ask yourself: Did your old Malibu Barbie look like a real woman? (Hint: Leftover coffee works on hair, too.)
• Constant touch-ups. Be ready to spend at least an hour a day fixing spots that seem to be fading. Remember what you have to do if you find any streaks!
• Stocking up on self-tanning product so you can do it all over again next winter and tell everyone you spent Christmas in the Bahamas.

Take the time to self-tan the right way, and I promise you your summers (and winters) will never be quite the same again!