"Eastern" = "Normal"

That's the theory of mind behind my second cartoon contest entry.

"Give me liberty, AND all your money!"

Well, I hope the people who bring us organic produce never dealt with this farmer.

("Patrick Henry"? Did he call his place "Liberty-or-Death Farms"? The Statue of Liberty arm-in-arm with the Grim Reaper would make a pretty eye-catching logo.)

FENTER said that the robbery was not about the bank, but about a fight against the Government

So don't take it personally, lady, I'm just threatening you with a gun to get you to hand over a chunk of the money your customers entrusted to you. Nothing to get upset about.

"Never got old or tiring" -- I like the sound of that.

Though I felt compelled to enter the Erma Bombeck Writing Competition, I -- rightly -- did not expect to win. ("Rightly" because, with two years to plan, I didn't start work on my entry till a couple of days before the deadline.)

I didn't expect the judges to take the time to comment on my work either -- but I found today that one of them did, and the contest coordinator has passed this on to me:

Loved the approach. Really effective, and never got old or tiring. Terrific dialogue

How do I say how surprised and grateful I am that someone liked my work that much?

Anyway, since it's that good, I'm posting here for your enjoyment my imaginative essay "That Reminds Me". (Not really so imaginative, either; my memory's really like that. I had a hard time finding the file it was in because I'd named it "soy sauce coffeemaker".)

“Why is there a bottle of soy sauce on the coffeemaker?” my husband asked one Saturday afternoon.
“Because I have a visual memory.”
“You mean soy sauce looks like coffee, so you put them together?”
“No, no! You see, I just read something about how some people need visual cues to remember things. Like leaving your car keys out to remind you that you have another child and he has to be picked up from homework club.”
“So what is the soy sauce supposed to remind you of?”
“What to make for dinner.”
“Oh, we’re having something Chinese?”
“If we were, the vegetable knife would be pointed North to remind me to get the Chinese cookbook out of the spare room. No, we’re having my secret ingredient macaroni and cheese.”
“That’s the secret ingredient? I thought it was non-alcoholic vodka.”
“It is, actually, but I forgot to get that when I was at the store because I wasn’t wearing my red scarf. So we’re having alternative secret ingredient mac and cheese.”
“Okay . . . What’s for dessert? Something with pecans?”
“No, the nuts are to remind me to tell you that Ed called while you were out.”
“What did he want?”
“He’s pretty sure he saw the alien mothership over the high school just now – but it may have been a double rainbow. He says if they take him away, we can have his kayak.”
“I’m not holding my breath.”
“Me either. If I were, I’d have left a life vest on the coffee table.”
“Your visual cues all seem kind of specialized.”
“You have to use what works for you, it said. Besides, you wouldn’t want it to be too obvious, like leaving the tent in the driveway to remind you you’re going camping that weekend. There’d be a break-and-enter before we got out of the driveway.”
“If you have to have a burglary, wouldn’t that be the best time?”
“I’ll have to think about that. Put Grandma’s candlestick on the windowsill to remind me.”
“Okay. Now can I take the soy sauce off the coffeemaker and, you know, make myself some coffee?”
“Sure, just remember to put it back . . . But what are you listening to?”
“Your memory may be visual, but mine’s vocal.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means there’s a little voice in my head saying, ‘Just hang in there and she’ll get tired of this, like she got tired of trying to grow our own rice.’”

Remember I said real frugal people don't rob banks?

Now the FBI agrees:

“Frugal Felon” Not So Frugal
Hits Second Bank This Month

The New Yorker would never stoop to saying YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY WON!

From their contest page:

NO PURCHASE OR PAYMENT OF ANY KIND IS NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN THIS CONTEST AND SWEEPSTAKES.

A purchase will not improve chances of winning.

CONSUMER DISCLOSURE: You have not yet won.

To see my entry, click here (yes, I know I should've used the dog with the open mouth, but I didn' t know there was one).

Things you learn while pricing insurance for the cats

"Feral" is a breed, according to at least one insurance company.

The world's tamest feral cat lives with us, but we think of her as an exotic shorthair.

Now this

From the Post:

In a surprise move, folks at Chicago-based Tribune Co. are reportedly reeling in the wake of news that CEO Randy Michaels has banned, literally, some 119 words and phrases from being used on-air at his company's flagship radio station, WGN.

Going forward, area residents are less at risk of hearing such cliched phrases as "perfect storm" and "behind closed doors" on the news talk station's airwaves, although the fact of the matter is the list of 119 that cannot be utilized includes such common words as "alleged," "authorities" and "officials."

Sixteen of the banned words or phrases appeared in the first two sentences of this story.

I'd find it hard to run an ESL news blog without the word "officials".

In this, for example, the official was actually the Assistant U.S. Trustee. If I used that mouthful of a title, I'd have to explain it to my audience -- and they don't really need to know what it means. They just need to know that someone in a responsible position at the courthouse tried to stop this swindler.

Sorry -- this alleged swindler.

What would I do without "alleged"? Or "accused of"? Or "the charge says"?

Real Frugal People Don't Rob Banks

That's why I put "frugal" in quotes here.

Nice of him to let the cashier keep some of her employer's money. But if he's caught, he'll go to jail just the same. He needs to do some cost-benefit analysis.

I see this all the time in the FBI press releases. People risk losing their freedom for years, not to mention their good names, for an amount of money they could've earned in a year or two.

So when do we get to the Modern Optimal?

Everyone's heard of the Medieval Warm Period (maybe all the more since we weren't supposed to believe in it -- that worked for the Tooth Fairy, too), but I didn't know that it "used to be known as the Medieval Optimal before it became politically incorrect to think of a warm climate as desirable".

More from Lorne Gunter on unaccustomed warmth:

Grapes grew in southern England. Norse settlers established farms in Greenland. And the plagues and territorial wars driven by scarcity that marked the Late Middle Ages were centuries in the future -centuries notable for their coldness during the Little Ice Age (1300 to 1850).

Peace and plenty. Why try to hold back a tide like that?

Not that they're trying to scare you or anything